BREAKING (WIND)
In a stunning development that has rocked the sporting world to its very core, a football manager has reportedly discovered that players can stand in positions OTHER than just charging vaguely toward the opponent's goal. "I was looking at the pitch from above," said manager Gary Thickett, 47, "and I realised it's actually quite wide. Like, REALLY wide. So I thought, why don't we use the sides too?"
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The ATP has taken a hard line against quiet tennis, issuing a massive fine to Swedish player Bjorn Silentsson after he played an entire match without making any noise whatsoever. "It was disgusting," said one spectator. "I could actually hear the ball. What is this, golf?"
Experts are baffled after 72 hours of cricket resulted in a score of "247 for 8 (declared) with a follow-on and 3 ducks, 2 sixes, and a partridge in a pear tree." When asked to explain, the umpire simply nodded sagely and had another cup of tea.
In a post-race interview that left journalists questioning their career choices, driver Max Speedman complained that his car was simultaneously "undriveable at high speeds" and "not quick enough in the corners." Engineers have been sent to investigate the concept of physics.
The celebrations were short-lived for the Warrington Warthogs after their championship victory, as the traditional post-match group hug resulted in three dislocated shoulders, a broken nose, and what doctors are calling "the most enthusiastic concussion we've ever seen."
These modern footballers with their "nutrition" and "training" and "not drinking 15 pints before a match" have ruined the beautiful game. When I played, we didn't have VAR - we had Dave's mate Steve who stood on the touchline and shouted "LOOKS GOOD TO ME!"
After running 47,000 simulations of the remaining season, I can definitively state that your team has a 0.003% chance of winning the league, provided that: a) All other teams forfeit, b) Gravity is temporarily suspended, c) Goals are now worth 500 points each.