📞 Contact Us (Please Reconsider)

Got a complaint? A suggestion? A desire to be ignored? You're in the right place!

📧 Ways To Reach Us (And Why You Shouldn't)

GENERAL INQUIRIES

Email: hello@unfit.live

Our general inbox is monitored by an intern who checks it every third Tuesday (if they remember). Average response time: 47 days, or never, whichever comes last.

Best for: General questions, fan mail (we love ego boosts), marriage proposals (already married to satire), and complaints that we will definitely read and then delete.

Auto-reply message: "Thank you for contacting Unfit Sports. Your message is important to us (not really). Please expect a response between 'eventually' and 'when pigs fly.'"

Last checked: March 2023

LEGAL THREATS

legal@unfit.live

Sending us a cease and desist? How flattering! Our lawyer (Gary, part-time, also drives Uber) will review your complaint after his afternoon nap.

Please include: Specific article, specific claim, specific reason why you don't understand satire, and your favorite color (for our records).

Currently handling 47 "defamation" claims

MONEY TALKS

ads@unfit.live

Want to advertise on our site? Amazing! We have approximately 12 readers and they are VERY engaged (mostly angry, but engaged). Rates start at "too much" and go up from there.

We accept: Money, crypto (we don't understand it but we'll take it), gift cards, and promises of eternal loyalty.

Our ad space is 90% empty. Help us out?

HOT TIPS

tips@unfit.live

Got a hot sports scoop? A transfer rumor you heard from a guy who knows a guy? Send it our way! We promise to treat your "definitely true" information with the seriousness it deserves (very little).

We especially love: Unverified WhatsApp forwards, Facebook posts from questionable sources, and things your uncle swears he heard at the pub.

Tip line staffed by: Nobody

📝 Contact Form (Messages Go Directly To /dev/null)

Your Name (or fake name, we don't verify):

Your Email (we'll sell this to spammers):

Type of Message:

Your Message (keep it brief, we have short attention spans):

I understand this message will be read by an AI that will laugh at it

I agree to our Privacy Policy (which we haven't read either)

📍 Our "Office"

Unfit Sports HQ

123 Definitely Real Street
Satire City, Joke County
FAKE POSTCODE 12345
United Kingdom (probably)

Opening Hours:

Monday: Closed (we're mourning the weekend)
Tuesday: 11am - 11:15am (lunch break)
Wednesday: Closed (team bonding, aka pub)
Thursday: Open but pretending to be closed
Friday: 2pm - 2:30pm (then early finish)
Weekend: What's work?

Phone: +44 (0) FAKE-NUMBER

Note: This phone number doesn't exist. Don't call it. We won't answer.

💬 Frequently Unanswered Questions

Q: Why haven't you replied to my email?

A: We have a strict "read and forget" policy. Your email was received, briefly considered, and then lost in our chaotic inbox forever.

Q: Can I sue you for that article about my team?

A: You can try! Our lawyer needs the practice. Just remember: satire is protected, and your team really is that bad.

Q: How do I unsubscribe from your newsletter?

A: What newsletter? We don't have the organizational skills to maintain a newsletter.

Q: Is this a real company?

A: Define "real." We exist in a legal sense (unfortunately for our accountant), but in a spiritual sense we're all just screaming into the void.

Q: Can I write for you?

A: Only if you accept payment in "exposure" and broken dreams. Apply via our Careers page (where we'll definitely ignore you).