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Three More Managers Sacked For 'Not Meeting Expectations' That Were Totally Realistic

In shocking news that shocked absolutely nobody, three Premier League managers were sacked this week for failing to achieve the impossible targets set by owners who haven't watched a football match since 1987.

"We expected Champions League qualification, two domestic trophies, and free champagne in the boardroom," said one club owner, completely straight-faced. "He only delivered 47% possession stats and a semi-final appearance. Unacceptable."

VAR Controversy Enters 847th Consecutive Week; Everyone Still Angry

The Video Assistant Referee system has once again ruined everyone's weekend by correctly applying the offside rule, which fans absolutely hate when it goes against their team. "It's ruining the game!" shouted a supporter whose striker was offside by a clear 3 metres.

PGMOL (Professional Game Match Officials Limited - yes, that's a real thing) released a statement saying they're "looking into it," which is PGMOL-speak for "please stop shouting at us on Twitter."

Top Club Faces 'Injury Crisis' After Fielding Same Players For 47 Consecutive Games

In a development that medical professionals are calling "completely predictable," a top Premier League club is facing an injury crisis after refusing to rotate their squad for the past 4 months.

"We're down to our 4th-choice goalkeeper and a youth player who was last seen on the bench in 2022," said the manager, who definitely hasn't learned his lesson and will play his star striker for 90 minutes in the next match anyway.

Premier League Title Race 'Too Close To Call' Say Pundits Who Call Everything Too Close To Call

Football pundits across the nation have unanimously agreed that this season's title race is "impossible to predict," just like they say every single season about literally everything.

"It's wide open," said Gary Lineker, gesturing vaguely at a graphic. "Any of the top 3 could win it. Or maybe the 4th team. Actually, I have no idea. Nobody does. That's why we get paid to talk about it for 3 hours every Saturday."

Champions League Returns; English Teams Immediately Remember They Hate Playing On Tuesdays

The Champions League knockout stages have begun, and English teams are already complaining about the fixtures being "too congested" despite having squads of 47 players each.

"Playing on a Tuesday is unnatural," said one Premier League manager, apparently forgetting that his team plays every 3 days anyway. "The ball moves differently on Tuesdays. The grass is angrier. UEFA is against us."

Fans Outraged After Referee Makes Correct Decision That Benefits Opposition

Supporters of [INSERT YOUR TEAM HERE] are absolutely livid after a referee correctly applied the laws of the game in a way that didn't help their team cheat to victory.

"It's one rule for them and another for us," said Dave, 47, who has never read the Laws of the Game but is absolutely certain he understands them better than qualified referees. "The FA is corrupt. The Premier League is rigged. My team never gets decisions."

Dave's team has received 3 penalties in their last 4 matches.

Footballers Complain About Playing In February; 'It's Cold And There's Football'

Professional footballers are up in arms after being asked to do their jobs during the winter months, when it is traditionally cold and there is football to be played.

"The schedule is ridiculous," said one midfielder earning £250,000 per week. "I have to play 90 minutes, sometimes TWICE a week. Do you know how exhausting that is? My Fitbit says I burned 800 calories. I could have been resting."

Meanwhile, nurses continued working 12-hour shifts without complaint.