🔥 The Olympics: Making Random Sports Matter Every 4 Years

Where else can you win gold for jumping into sand or throwing a stick really far?

🏅 Latest Olympic Nonsense

CEREMONIAL CHAOS

Olympic Opening Ceremony Lasts 47 Hours, Everyone Forgets What Sport They're Watching

The Tokyo 2020+1 Olympics opening ceremony featured interpretive dance, a man riding a stationary bike to nowhere, and something involving origami that nobody understood. "It was beautiful," said one spectator who had fallen asleep 3 hours in. "I think there were lights? And maybe some drumming?"

Next up: 16 days of sports you've never heard of, followed by a closing ceremony that definitely won't be as good as the one in London (British bias fully intended).

Posted during the interpretive dance section

🤔🏅 Athlete pictured doing something their parents definitely don't understand

OBSCURE SPORTS

Man Wins Gold Medal For Sport He Only Does Every 4 Years

In a shocking turn of events, Steve from accounting has won gold in Modern Pentathlon, a sport consisting of fencing, swimming, horse jumping, pistol shooting, and running - or as most people call it: "a really weird weekend." Steve trained for 3 weeks and admits he still doesn't understand the scoring.

Posted while googling "what is modern pentathlon"

💉🚫😱 Drug test pictured ruining someone's dreams

SCANDALS

Athlete Tests Positive For "Too Much Dedication" and Also Actual Banned Substances

In a shocking twist that surprised absolutely nobody who follows Olympic sports, a medal-winning athlete has been stripped of their title after testing positive for a substance that definitely wasn't just "protein powder, honest." Their excuse? "I ate a contaminated steak from a very suspicious cow."

Posted with a heavy sigh

🛹🧗‍♀️🤷 New sports committee pictured just making stuff up now

NEW ADDITIONS

Olympics Add Skateboarding, Climbing, And "Extreme Walking" For Some Reason

The IOC has announced new sports for the upcoming games including skateboarding, sport climbing, surfing, and "that thing where you walk fast but don't run." Traditionalists are outraged. "What's next? Competitive eating? Oh wait, that's already a sport. It's called weightlifting."

Posted while doing kickflips

🤔 Olympic Sports Explained Badly

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100m Sprint

Running in a straight line. Fast. That's it. That's the sport.

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Swimming

Like running, but wetter and with more splashing.

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Gymnastics

Flipping around and hoping you don't land on your face.

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Weightlifting

Picking up heavy things and putting them down again.

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Cycling

Sitting down while exercising. The dream.

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Fencing

Stabby chess. With more lunging.