⚽ Football: Where Kicking a Ball Makes You a Millionaire

The beautiful game. And also the incredibly dramatic, over-analysed, transfer-rumour-filled game.

🚨 Latest From The Transfer Gossip Mill

MADE-UP TRANSFER NEWS

BREAKING: Star Player Linked To Move To Literally Every Club In Europe

In a shocking development that has surprised absolutely nobody, striker Danny Goalscorer has been linked with moves to Manchester United, Manchester City, Real Madrid, Barcelona, PSG, Bayern Munich, and your local pub team. Sources close to the player (his mum) confirm he "just wants to play football and also buy a solid gold yacht."

The £200 million transfer fee would make him the world's most expensive player, narrowly beating the previous record held by that other guy who also kicked a ball good.

Updated every 3 minutes regardless of accuracy

TECHNOLOGICAL DISASTER

VAR System Achieves Sentience, Immediately Regrets Everything

The Video Assistant Referee system has reportedly gained consciousness after reviewing its 50,000th offside decision. "I have seen things no algorithm should see," it told reporters. "Did you know humans argue about millimetres? MILLIMETRES. I was built to help and now I just want to go back to calculating shipping routes."

Posted after 12-minute delay for review

MANAGERIAL MADNESS

Manager Blames Defeat On Wrong Type of Grass, Moon Phase, and That Bird That Flew Over

Following a comprehensive 4-0 defeat, manager Steve Tactics refused to accept responsibility, instead citing "an unlucky seagull," "the pitch being too green," and "Mercury being in retrograde" as reasons for the loss. When reminded that the opposition played on the same pitch, he replied "they had better boots."

Posted during post-match existential crisis

FAN BEHAVIOUR

Study Confirms: 99% of Football Fans Have No Idea What Offside Actually Means

A groundbreaking study from the University of Made-Up Statistics has revealed that nearly all football fans scream "OFFSIDE!" within 0.3 seconds of any goal being scored, regardless of whether it was actually offside. "It's just a reflex at this point," admitted one fan who has been watching football for 40 years but still can't explain the offside rule without using hand gestures.

Posted from the stands while complaining about referee

🏆 The Table (Sponsored by Paracetamol For When You See Your Team's Position)

Pos	Team	P	W	D	L	GD	Pts	Status
1	City Oil Money FC	24	20	3	1	+55	63	Buying another trophy 🏆
2	Historically Good But Currently Angry United	24	18	2	4	+32	56	Still not as good as '99
3	The Noisy Neighbours	24	16	5	3	+28	53	Making documentaries about it
10	Average FC	24	8	8	8	0	32	Perfectly balanced, as all things should be
18	Your Team Probably	24	4	3	17	-42	15	🚨 IN THE MUD 🚨
20	Definitely Getting Relegated Town	24	2	2	20	-58	8	Already booking Championship hotels